Another test - and this one is all of 72 hours

Let's see if I can do it.  I know the drill...

The last thing

Like people, once you trust technology too much that trust can stab you in the back.

OK, so I'm sitting here trying to enjoy an mp3 on my rather dated Pentium D system and i get all these dropouts.   I'm thinking it's low level drive read errors, and I've also noticed that from time to time i'll get freezes.   CPU utilization is low to medium, and I'm using Winamp, not some bloated iTunes client.  I'm not even running Vuze right now.   This isn't some flac file off my slow NAS box, this is locally stored mp3 on a defragged non-system drive.   Close everything, and load the mp3 in Adobe Audition - with full visualizations now I'm taking up 60% CPU watching a waveform fly across two adjacent HD monitors - crystal clear sound.  I go to gigabyte, download the latest HD Audio Azalea driver, cut down from 24 bits / 48000 to 16 bit / 48000 and try again - no real change.  Decide I'm going to listen to Pandora instead to avoid drive accesses - I've got 4 gigs of RAM, and it gets WORSE.   Notice 4 days of uptime, restart firefox to clear out a couple hundred megs of RAM - a little improvement.   I put up with it and curse Vista, for a while - then I load IE 9 beta, and crystal clear.  MS's BETA software.  Not even a full release - a beta - and not a single dropout!     Firefox was running while I was in Winamp. 

Truths from sidelines...

"Cameron, he doesn't do this to you, you do it to yourself.   How long are you going to keep waiting?"

Reflections on 2010:

The basic fact is that there has been some change and genuine humility.  However, the timing of new relationship was suspect considering the child support capias, bills, and the sale of the car.   However, he seems to be trying to make it work.  In retrospect I had hoped that there was a clearer and definitive pattern of independence, but instead the construct of a codependent relationship seemed to be simply an acquired distraction as part of the healing process.  

"He gives me that look ... to say your life is trivial. You are so trivial.  You know daily stuff, schedules and parties and details" 
"Well it only matters if you think it's true.  Well, do you tell me" 
"When I'm with him I feel, yes I am living, when I'm not with him, yes everything does seem sort of silly."
          - The Hours

The fundamental question - how much more real is this than the others?  Was this distraction relationship created to flee pain and loneliness in a genuine sense, in a narcissistic sense, or because it was calculated to be the right time and it's all for show?  On that note, were they all for show, if not, which bonds were genuine?

Unfortunately, I've found myself back in a position in which I'm of uncomfortably subordinate importance.



However, I can't expect anyone in this world to love or care about me enough to make me love myself more than I do.

"can't you just fix it for me, ill pay you well,
fuck ill pay you anything
if you can end this (hell)
hello, i love you will you tell me your name?
hello, i'm good for nothing - will you love me just the same?"
          - The Dresden Dolls, The Perfect Fit

 When will I learn?

Reflections, or how one can lose faith in everything...

The saddest moments aren't immediately after a sudden loss, the natural shock reaction suspends some of the immediate pain.   What is the saddest is when you can tell that the hollywood moment was a lie, that the last act last minute romance in the rom-com never happens, that the years dull the sharpness of the pain but not the void that was carved out by it.   That's why my favorite movie is the hours.... "but what about after the party.. and the hours after that..." or the life not lived in Grey Gardens.   At this point, I'm not sad over the life I'm not living - everyone I know has fallen into the role society has given them.  But it's false comfort to know that they aren't really happy either, maybe a little, maybe not.  The deepest regrets are after the loss of faith.  When you've lost faith in reality, so jaded to never open your heart again, then that is the real cost, the real pain.  When you dare not dream again, that is the real loss.

Delilah

You're an unrescuable schizo, or else you're on the rag.
And if you take him back, i'm gonna lose my nerve.
He's gonna hit you like a pillow, you schizo's never learn.

And if you take him home, you get what you deserve.
I've never met a more impossible girl.
so don't cry Delilah.
you're still alive Delilah
you need a ride Delilah?
let's see how fast this thing can go...
let's see how fast this thing can go...
let's see how fast this thing can go...
let's see how fast this thing can go...

- The Dresden Dolls

where do I fit?

did you get sick of me in six months all over again?

was I a band-aid until you straightened your life out?

the only real question was how much was premeditated, how much was genuine, and how much was a survival instinct.

one things for sure, I wasn't that important.

Stopped counting the days...

because I responded to a comment on a status update. 

"Who needs love when there's law and order and
who needs love when there's southern comfort and
who needs love when the sandwiches are wicked and they know you at the mac store!!!" - amanda palmer

yeah, I was crushin a lil on Jay and Speck, that's a go nowhere plan tho
friends and family have carried me through
i don't have lovers i have f*** buddy's which got old 5 years ago

I forgot that you're evil
I forgot just how cold you could be
I just wanted to remember the good times

No, I need to remember the pain.
Remember that I have no place in your life
I think I've found closure.

Day 4 came to close...

12 days, 1/3 done.  then I can say hi.  I thought two weeks would be best, but dammit there's still the asylum reunion, and shopping and a hard drive replacement.

pineapple juice, vodka splash of cran is getting me through it.

maybe I need to visit Renon in DC, he always did care for me even if I only thought of him for two months.
AND WHERE THE HELL IS RONNIE?

Day 3 - yes, this is stupid, but must continue.

Today you posted asking people to hit you up on your lunch break.  I couldn't.  I just couldn't, because I knew it wasn't me you wanted to hear from.  Don't know who it is you do, but not going to worry about it too much.   Back at work, twice the BS, because I missed a monday.   If that was directed at me, well, you read this, and txt me or call me dammit.  I picked 12 days so I can still hit u up about the asylum reunion.

Day 2 - one more reason

because saying I love you shouldn't be a bad thing that makes me feel guilty.

Drunken cooking on Day 2.

After waking up an hour late, all stuffy and hazy, I called in.   After seeing my mom stop by, and knowing I could surprise my roommate with dinner, I woke up, made a wonderful cocktail, dusted off the rice cooker, and decided that this would be taco night.  Chopped onions, 1 lb 80/20 hamburg, 1/2 lb ground lean turkey (cut the fat but not increase the price), ortega 8 soft/8 hard taco kit.  I threw 7 scoops in the rice cooker, and filled to the line.   I'll add the can of black beans later.  Salsa, cheese and lettuce finely chopped as toppings.  Why, is this more fulfilling than going to work?  I would have been documented as being late anyway, I didn't feel up to going anywhere until 4pm, two hours in my shift, and now I have no desire to. 

I've been thinking of my plan.  It leaves doors open in case I'm needed, I'm not hurting myself like I did with the assault, and in a sense, it's kind of mutual even though I know he's not thinking of me right now.  Too many of the points matched up in that document "Profile of a sociopath" (google it, it's the first response) for me to ignore the truth.  One word, "sociopath", set me free.  It explained everything.  I truly believe however that he's not completely devoid of empathy or remorse.   He literally shut the door to his room and said to me before he disappeared from my life the following words:  "he says I should do whatever it takes to get by, and I don't want to live like that anymore" (paraphrased).   That's why I would give.  Knowing it would never come back to me, knowing it wouldn't make him love me, but that's what gave me purpose.  Counselling has given him a change.  When he's not at wits end he thinks of his impact on others more than he did before.  He says "thank you" more now, even if he's not that good at it.  You should have more (or less) to say than "thank you" after your partner pleases you.  When I heard that I knew that progress was made, but that his way of thinking was truly fundamentally different than everyone elses.  So far yet so close.

The twelve steppers come across cultlike to me, but one thing does ring true:  "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."  I love you, but it's time I let go.

An open letter to an old friend.

An open letter to an old friend.


12 days without contacting you will be an exercise in self control


The reasoning behind this decision:


The truth of the matter is that when you were alone, I felt you genuinely wanted me to be around. I knew then the emotional danger I was getting myself into, but I told myself that I was stronger now, that I learned my lessons. Although lines had never been crossed this time around, that sense of purpose was there.  I felt like I was giving of myself selflessly and time would tell.  Well, time has told. Once again I am faced with the unavoidable fact that there is an imbalance in our "friendship", but you specifically told me you wouldn't disappear when things get better.  You specifically told me you were giving this new relationship a try because you "don't want to be alone".  Then, you told me you needed space.  So, by reason of association, I fall below a rebound relationship that you don't even love as much as your ex.  A comment I read even shows that you resent the fact that I had feelings for you.  You're repeating the same problems that you don't even see (emotional lability, lack of empathy, extremely controlling, externalizing your own flirtatiousness, promiscuity and infidelity onto him) in your new relationship.  You still place new interaction with new people above established relationships.  Every rational conclusion ultimately leads to the fact that these feelings are one way and damaging.


Things I could have done better:



I have enhanced the destructiveness of this status quo by not practicing emotional restraint.  You were at least honest about not interested in pursuing anything intimate.  I'm consumed with the thought of you, and cave into weakness with every text message sent.I need to reclaim control of my life in every aspect, not just emotional ones. Because of the intensity of feelings I had for you, some of which I harbor to this very day, I'm hypersensitive to the way you treat me, or avoid me.


Why this has to be done, now:



I've been keeping my weekends open for some time now.  The fact that i'm back in the same old rut, with no real provocation on your part, is unhealthy for me.   Interaction needs to be reciprocal in order to be healthy.  Too many times, calls aren't returned, and I'm kept at arm's length.  With any other person, I'd have the ability to disengage from the situation with little emotional pain.  I have failed in the past to let go because you once provided so much purpose and meaning in my life.  In time, I will learn to dismiss the one truth I've lived by, which is that we were meant to be together.   I was tossed aside on September 10th, 2001, and it's now time to heal.  A lost decade without passion is a precious gift wasted.  This time however, I have to realize that it is my own responsibility to forgive, forget and move on.   I shouldn't sabotage future possibilities with others because of fears of repeating past pains caused by loving you.



Those who fail to learn from the past are doomed to repeat it.

12 Days - Day 1 - Sunday August 8th

The truth of the matter is that still, after all the barriers to honesty were removed, there still existed the basic fact that I wasn't too important to him.   His own independence, which truly is best for him, demonstrates that I am only to serve a purpose and will never enjoy an equality of devotion.

He knows no give and take.  There is only take, and his new bf told me enough to know that it's about control not love.  Cat and mouse forever.  I have to believe I deserve better.

Now, today, I begin to learn to forgive as I can be forgiven, so that I can heal.

12 days -  no texts, no emails, no calls, unless he initiates them.  Can I do it?

I must.

Demystifying the straight boy fantasy

Straight boys. The concept entices many gay men as the ultimate indulgence to be cherished, to have the power to coax the right candidate to reevaluate themselves at your whim. It also serves as the perfect non-controllable variable should the advances prove unsuccessful. These emotional training wheels can stay on as long as necessary to never have to feel the anguish of being better dealed by some young whore. That's why the last love was so special, because I truly believed that he was coming out for me, completely oblivious to his history, and instead of losing him to a girl, I lost him to another guy. I couldn't forgive, move on or not take it personally. I couldn't move on, I was stuck, there was no closure, ever. I had no emotional coping skills to give up, move on and detach from my idea of forever, and still haven't honed those skills.

Instead of awarding him magical attributes of persuasion and charisma, the truth is I just experienced a deeper emotional bond. Nothing more, nothing less, but certainly nothing magical. After being a guy's experiment or one time mistake, this level of emotional intimacy felt life changing. In truth, I had just been denying myself healthy relationships in favor of the training wheels. Unique is no longer the right term to describe the ups and downs of loving him, when instead it is merely common. Having never let myself get too hurt, however, I had no way of moving on. In solitude until him I had managed to become the boy that was never dumped.

Helplessness

Long after the passion was gone, I could at least take comfort in that I was a calming force, before I was run down with jealousy and spite. Then, when nothing's left but past memories and emotional flackbacks that run to core of your being, I couldn't even give a logical reason why I felt anything at all. The hardest part, was knowing that I was helpless to calm him, that I couldn't even heal his pain anymore. That, that was the hardest of all. Why though if it was the hardest of all, was I happier once it passed? Could I have found closure the one time I wasn't looking? Only the years will tell.

Was that conditioning's last gasp providing closure?

Not cold, just woken up but by the wrong guy that was supposed to be the right one in another era.

When a situation is near hopeless but also near permanent, is it a good thing or a bad thing?

1.) Our friendship is so 2000. It's 2010. I thought I was past that, I thought I would give a strange look and say "oh, well, I'm sorry about everything and I hope things work out for you", I thought I stopped caring.

corollary: I stopped caring not because I stopped caring, I stopped feeling like I had the emotional capacity to care about anyone. I told myself I was a rock, and after a couple years I believed it, and even destroyed other opportunities for emotional intimacy, and convinced me my casual lifestyle would suffice, and that I was better spared the ups and downs of unrequited or ambivalent strands of love.

2.) I'm both happy that I'm no longer damaged beyond all repair, and upset that I've reopened old emotional wounds, but with better emotional control. It's a comfort zone because my deepest darkest secret is known by him. By his own words, "I know you Cameron, I can read you like a book". However, I have no boundaries when it comes to him - which isn't right, it isn't healthy, and it scares him and is pure turmoil for me. But the damage had been done, there was no turning it around. I got the resentment out in one night for which I paid a high price and succeeded in scaring him away too much.

3.) 2 scorpion bowls, 3 hours and 4 hugs changed everything. It set back 4 years of progress yet settled 4 years of wonder and guilt and misery. I guess I'm looking for the right way to ask, "where do we go from here" while understanding i'm just a relic from the past.

p.s., he's the one I posted the lyrics to Wonderwall over six months ago. That was the only subconscious expression I allowed myself.