Straight boys. The concept entices many gay men as the ultimate indulgence to be cherished, to have the power to coax the right candidate to reevaluate themselves at your whim. It also serves as the perfect non-controllable variable should the advances prove unsuccessful. These emotional training wheels can stay on as long as necessary to never have to feel the anguish of being better dealed by some young whore. That's why the last love was so special, because I truly believed that he was coming out for me, completely oblivious to his history, and instead of losing him to a girl, I lost him to another guy. I couldn't forgive, move on or not take it personally. I couldn't move on, I was stuck, there was no closure, ever. I had no emotional coping skills to give up, move on and detach from my idea of forever, and still haven't honed those skills.
Instead of awarding him magical attributes of persuasion and charisma, the truth is I just experienced a deeper emotional bond. Nothing more, nothing less, but certainly nothing magical. After being a guy's experiment or one time mistake, this level of emotional intimacy felt life changing. In truth, I had just been denying myself healthy relationships in favor of the training wheels. Unique is no longer the right term to describe the ups and downs of loving him, when instead it is merely common. Having never let myself get too hurt, however, I had no way of moving on. In solitude until him I had managed to become the boy that was never dumped.
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