Drunken cooking on Day 2.

After waking up an hour late, all stuffy and hazy, I called in.   After seeing my mom stop by, and knowing I could surprise my roommate with dinner, I woke up, made a wonderful cocktail, dusted off the rice cooker, and decided that this would be taco night.  Chopped onions, 1 lb 80/20 hamburg, 1/2 lb ground lean turkey (cut the fat but not increase the price), ortega 8 soft/8 hard taco kit.  I threw 7 scoops in the rice cooker, and filled to the line.   I'll add the can of black beans later.  Salsa, cheese and lettuce finely chopped as toppings.  Why, is this more fulfilling than going to work?  I would have been documented as being late anyway, I didn't feel up to going anywhere until 4pm, two hours in my shift, and now I have no desire to. 

I've been thinking of my plan.  It leaves doors open in case I'm needed, I'm not hurting myself like I did with the assault, and in a sense, it's kind of mutual even though I know he's not thinking of me right now.  Too many of the points matched up in that document "Profile of a sociopath" (google it, it's the first response) for me to ignore the truth.  One word, "sociopath", set me free.  It explained everything.  I truly believe however that he's not completely devoid of empathy or remorse.   He literally shut the door to his room and said to me before he disappeared from my life the following words:  "he says I should do whatever it takes to get by, and I don't want to live like that anymore" (paraphrased).   That's why I would give.  Knowing it would never come back to me, knowing it wouldn't make him love me, but that's what gave me purpose.  Counselling has given him a change.  When he's not at wits end he thinks of his impact on others more than he did before.  He says "thank you" more now, even if he's not that good at it.  You should have more (or less) to say than "thank you" after your partner pleases you.  When I heard that I knew that progress was made, but that his way of thinking was truly fundamentally different than everyone elses.  So far yet so close.

The twelve steppers come across cultlike to me, but one thing does ring true:  "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."  I love you, but it's time I let go.