Truths from sidelines...

"Cameron, he doesn't do this to you, you do it to yourself.   How long are you going to keep waiting?"

Reflections on 2010:

The basic fact is that there has been some change and genuine humility.  However, the timing of new relationship was suspect considering the child support capias, bills, and the sale of the car.   However, he seems to be trying to make it work.  In retrospect I had hoped that there was a clearer and definitive pattern of independence, but instead the construct of a codependent relationship seemed to be simply an acquired distraction as part of the healing process.  

"He gives me that look ... to say your life is trivial. You are so trivial.  You know daily stuff, schedules and parties and details" 
"Well it only matters if you think it's true.  Well, do you tell me" 
"When I'm with him I feel, yes I am living, when I'm not with him, yes everything does seem sort of silly."
          - The Hours

The fundamental question - how much more real is this than the others?  Was this distraction relationship created to flee pain and loneliness in a genuine sense, in a narcissistic sense, or because it was calculated to be the right time and it's all for show?  On that note, were they all for show, if not, which bonds were genuine?

Unfortunately, I've found myself back in a position in which I'm of uncomfortably subordinate importance.



However, I can't expect anyone in this world to love or care about me enough to make me love myself more than I do.

"can't you just fix it for me, ill pay you well,
fuck ill pay you anything
if you can end this (hell)
hello, i love you will you tell me your name?
hello, i'm good for nothing - will you love me just the same?"
          - The Dresden Dolls, The Perfect Fit

 When will I learn?