Discrepancies and Distrust.

The phone off when you're with him.  The changing of plans to suit him.  The fact that you gave two different meetup stories - first you told me you met him at a straight meeting, then a gay meeting, then Gotham.   The fact that you keep changing the backstory suggests that there is something to hide.   Otherwise, he seems like a great guy and a good person for you to spend time with.

I however, always feel threatened when you develop a strong emotional bond with anyone else when you're single.  You shout to the high heavens about wanting to be single, but then admit after a cocktail or two that you can't be alone.  That's why I asked what happens now.

The fact that you have already met his family says something.

The fact that when you're with him, you don't care how much of a charge your phone has, but when you're not with him, your phone has to remain charged so you can always talk to him.  I might be the one helping you, but he's the one you're letting in.

Another test - and this one is all of 72 hours

Let's see if I can do it.  I know the drill...

The last thing

Like people, once you trust technology too much that trust can stab you in the back.

OK, so I'm sitting here trying to enjoy an mp3 on my rather dated Pentium D system and i get all these dropouts.   I'm thinking it's low level drive read errors, and I've also noticed that from time to time i'll get freezes.   CPU utilization is low to medium, and I'm using Winamp, not some bloated iTunes client.  I'm not even running Vuze right now.   This isn't some flac file off my slow NAS box, this is locally stored mp3 on a defragged non-system drive.   Close everything, and load the mp3 in Adobe Audition - with full visualizations now I'm taking up 60% CPU watching a waveform fly across two adjacent HD monitors - crystal clear sound.  I go to gigabyte, download the latest HD Audio Azalea driver, cut down from 24 bits / 48000 to 16 bit / 48000 and try again - no real change.  Decide I'm going to listen to Pandora instead to avoid drive accesses - I've got 4 gigs of RAM, and it gets WORSE.   Notice 4 days of uptime, restart firefox to clear out a couple hundred megs of RAM - a little improvement.   I put up with it and curse Vista, for a while - then I load IE 9 beta, and crystal clear.  MS's BETA software.  Not even a full release - a beta - and not a single dropout!     Firefox was running while I was in Winamp. 

Truths from sidelines...

"Cameron, he doesn't do this to you, you do it to yourself.   How long are you going to keep waiting?"

Reflections on 2010:

The basic fact is that there has been some change and genuine humility.  However, the timing of new relationship was suspect considering the child support capias, bills, and the sale of the car.   However, he seems to be trying to make it work.  In retrospect I had hoped that there was a clearer and definitive pattern of independence, but instead the construct of a codependent relationship seemed to be simply an acquired distraction as part of the healing process.  

"He gives me that look ... to say your life is trivial. You are so trivial.  You know daily stuff, schedules and parties and details" 
"Well it only matters if you think it's true.  Well, do you tell me" 
"When I'm with him I feel, yes I am living, when I'm not with him, yes everything does seem sort of silly."
          - The Hours

The fundamental question - how much more real is this than the others?  Was this distraction relationship created to flee pain and loneliness in a genuine sense, in a narcissistic sense, or because it was calculated to be the right time and it's all for show?  On that note, were they all for show, if not, which bonds were genuine?

Unfortunately, I've found myself back in a position in which I'm of uncomfortably subordinate importance.



However, I can't expect anyone in this world to love or care about me enough to make me love myself more than I do.

"can't you just fix it for me, ill pay you well,
fuck ill pay you anything
if you can end this (hell)
hello, i love you will you tell me your name?
hello, i'm good for nothing - will you love me just the same?"
          - The Dresden Dolls, The Perfect Fit

 When will I learn?

Reflections, or how one can lose faith in everything...

The saddest moments aren't immediately after a sudden loss, the natural shock reaction suspends some of the immediate pain.   What is the saddest is when you can tell that the hollywood moment was a lie, that the last act last minute romance in the rom-com never happens, that the years dull the sharpness of the pain but not the void that was carved out by it.   That's why my favorite movie is the hours.... "but what about after the party.. and the hours after that..." or the life not lived in Grey Gardens.   At this point, I'm not sad over the life I'm not living - everyone I know has fallen into the role society has given them.  But it's false comfort to know that they aren't really happy either, maybe a little, maybe not.  The deepest regrets are after the loss of faith.  When you've lost faith in reality, so jaded to never open your heart again, then that is the real cost, the real pain.  When you dare not dream again, that is the real loss.

Delilah

You're an unrescuable schizo, or else you're on the rag.
And if you take him back, i'm gonna lose my nerve.
He's gonna hit you like a pillow, you schizo's never learn.

And if you take him home, you get what you deserve.
I've never met a more impossible girl.
so don't cry Delilah.
you're still alive Delilah
you need a ride Delilah?
let's see how fast this thing can go...
let's see how fast this thing can go...
let's see how fast this thing can go...
let's see how fast this thing can go...

- The Dresden Dolls

where do I fit?

did you get sick of me in six months all over again?

was I a band-aid until you straightened your life out?

the only real question was how much was premeditated, how much was genuine, and how much was a survival instinct.

one things for sure, I wasn't that important.

Stopped counting the days...

because I responded to a comment on a status update. 

"Who needs love when there's law and order and
who needs love when there's southern comfort and
who needs love when the sandwiches are wicked and they know you at the mac store!!!" - amanda palmer

yeah, I was crushin a lil on Jay and Speck, that's a go nowhere plan tho
friends and family have carried me through
i don't have lovers i have f*** buddy's which got old 5 years ago

I forgot that you're evil
I forgot just how cold you could be
I just wanted to remember the good times

No, I need to remember the pain.
Remember that I have no place in your life
I think I've found closure.

Day 4 came to close...

12 days, 1/3 done.  then I can say hi.  I thought two weeks would be best, but dammit there's still the asylum reunion, and shopping and a hard drive replacement.

pineapple juice, vodka splash of cran is getting me through it.

maybe I need to visit Renon in DC, he always did care for me even if I only thought of him for two months.
AND WHERE THE HELL IS RONNIE?

Day 3 - yes, this is stupid, but must continue.

Today you posted asking people to hit you up on your lunch break.  I couldn't.  I just couldn't, because I knew it wasn't me you wanted to hear from.  Don't know who it is you do, but not going to worry about it too much.   Back at work, twice the BS, because I missed a monday.   If that was directed at me, well, you read this, and txt me or call me dammit.  I picked 12 days so I can still hit u up about the asylum reunion.

Day 2 - one more reason

because saying I love you shouldn't be a bad thing that makes me feel guilty.

Drunken cooking on Day 2.

After waking up an hour late, all stuffy and hazy, I called in.   After seeing my mom stop by, and knowing I could surprise my roommate with dinner, I woke up, made a wonderful cocktail, dusted off the rice cooker, and decided that this would be taco night.  Chopped onions, 1 lb 80/20 hamburg, 1/2 lb ground lean turkey (cut the fat but not increase the price), ortega 8 soft/8 hard taco kit.  I threw 7 scoops in the rice cooker, and filled to the line.   I'll add the can of black beans later.  Salsa, cheese and lettuce finely chopped as toppings.  Why, is this more fulfilling than going to work?  I would have been documented as being late anyway, I didn't feel up to going anywhere until 4pm, two hours in my shift, and now I have no desire to. 

I've been thinking of my plan.  It leaves doors open in case I'm needed, I'm not hurting myself like I did with the assault, and in a sense, it's kind of mutual even though I know he's not thinking of me right now.  Too many of the points matched up in that document "Profile of a sociopath" (google it, it's the first response) for me to ignore the truth.  One word, "sociopath", set me free.  It explained everything.  I truly believe however that he's not completely devoid of empathy or remorse.   He literally shut the door to his room and said to me before he disappeared from my life the following words:  "he says I should do whatever it takes to get by, and I don't want to live like that anymore" (paraphrased).   That's why I would give.  Knowing it would never come back to me, knowing it wouldn't make him love me, but that's what gave me purpose.  Counselling has given him a change.  When he's not at wits end he thinks of his impact on others more than he did before.  He says "thank you" more now, even if he's not that good at it.  You should have more (or less) to say than "thank you" after your partner pleases you.  When I heard that I knew that progress was made, but that his way of thinking was truly fundamentally different than everyone elses.  So far yet so close.

The twelve steppers come across cultlike to me, but one thing does ring true:  "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."  I love you, but it's time I let go.