where do I fit?

did you get sick of me in six months all over again?

was I a band-aid until you straightened your life out?

the only real question was how much was premeditated, how much was genuine, and how much was a survival instinct.

one things for sure, I wasn't that important.

Stopped counting the days...

because I responded to a comment on a status update. 

"Who needs love when there's law and order and
who needs love when there's southern comfort and
who needs love when the sandwiches are wicked and they know you at the mac store!!!" - amanda palmer

yeah, I was crushin a lil on Jay and Speck, that's a go nowhere plan tho
friends and family have carried me through
i don't have lovers i have f*** buddy's which got old 5 years ago

I forgot that you're evil
I forgot just how cold you could be
I just wanted to remember the good times

No, I need to remember the pain.
Remember that I have no place in your life
I think I've found closure.

Day 4 came to close...

12 days, 1/3 done.  then I can say hi.  I thought two weeks would be best, but dammit there's still the asylum reunion, and shopping and a hard drive replacement.

pineapple juice, vodka splash of cran is getting me through it.

maybe I need to visit Renon in DC, he always did care for me even if I only thought of him for two months.
AND WHERE THE HELL IS RONNIE?

Day 3 - yes, this is stupid, but must continue.

Today you posted asking people to hit you up on your lunch break.  I couldn't.  I just couldn't, because I knew it wasn't me you wanted to hear from.  Don't know who it is you do, but not going to worry about it too much.   Back at work, twice the BS, because I missed a monday.   If that was directed at me, well, you read this, and txt me or call me dammit.  I picked 12 days so I can still hit u up about the asylum reunion.

Day 2 - one more reason

because saying I love you shouldn't be a bad thing that makes me feel guilty.

Drunken cooking on Day 2.

After waking up an hour late, all stuffy and hazy, I called in.   After seeing my mom stop by, and knowing I could surprise my roommate with dinner, I woke up, made a wonderful cocktail, dusted off the rice cooker, and decided that this would be taco night.  Chopped onions, 1 lb 80/20 hamburg, 1/2 lb ground lean turkey (cut the fat but not increase the price), ortega 8 soft/8 hard taco kit.  I threw 7 scoops in the rice cooker, and filled to the line.   I'll add the can of black beans later.  Salsa, cheese and lettuce finely chopped as toppings.  Why, is this more fulfilling than going to work?  I would have been documented as being late anyway, I didn't feel up to going anywhere until 4pm, two hours in my shift, and now I have no desire to. 

I've been thinking of my plan.  It leaves doors open in case I'm needed, I'm not hurting myself like I did with the assault, and in a sense, it's kind of mutual even though I know he's not thinking of me right now.  Too many of the points matched up in that document "Profile of a sociopath" (google it, it's the first response) for me to ignore the truth.  One word, "sociopath", set me free.  It explained everything.  I truly believe however that he's not completely devoid of empathy or remorse.   He literally shut the door to his room and said to me before he disappeared from my life the following words:  "he says I should do whatever it takes to get by, and I don't want to live like that anymore" (paraphrased).   That's why I would give.  Knowing it would never come back to me, knowing it wouldn't make him love me, but that's what gave me purpose.  Counselling has given him a change.  When he's not at wits end he thinks of his impact on others more than he did before.  He says "thank you" more now, even if he's not that good at it.  You should have more (or less) to say than "thank you" after your partner pleases you.  When I heard that I knew that progress was made, but that his way of thinking was truly fundamentally different than everyone elses.  So far yet so close.

The twelve steppers come across cultlike to me, but one thing does ring true:  "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."  I love you, but it's time I let go.

An open letter to an old friend.

An open letter to an old friend.


12 days without contacting you will be an exercise in self control


The reasoning behind this decision:


The truth of the matter is that when you were alone, I felt you genuinely wanted me to be around. I knew then the emotional danger I was getting myself into, but I told myself that I was stronger now, that I learned my lessons. Although lines had never been crossed this time around, that sense of purpose was there.  I felt like I was giving of myself selflessly and time would tell.  Well, time has told. Once again I am faced with the unavoidable fact that there is an imbalance in our "friendship", but you specifically told me you wouldn't disappear when things get better.  You specifically told me you were giving this new relationship a try because you "don't want to be alone".  Then, you told me you needed space.  So, by reason of association, I fall below a rebound relationship that you don't even love as much as your ex.  A comment I read even shows that you resent the fact that I had feelings for you.  You're repeating the same problems that you don't even see (emotional lability, lack of empathy, extremely controlling, externalizing your own flirtatiousness, promiscuity and infidelity onto him) in your new relationship.  You still place new interaction with new people above established relationships.  Every rational conclusion ultimately leads to the fact that these feelings are one way and damaging.


Things I could have done better:



I have enhanced the destructiveness of this status quo by not practicing emotional restraint.  You were at least honest about not interested in pursuing anything intimate.  I'm consumed with the thought of you, and cave into weakness with every text message sent.I need to reclaim control of my life in every aspect, not just emotional ones. Because of the intensity of feelings I had for you, some of which I harbor to this very day, I'm hypersensitive to the way you treat me, or avoid me.


Why this has to be done, now:



I've been keeping my weekends open for some time now.  The fact that i'm back in the same old rut, with no real provocation on your part, is unhealthy for me.   Interaction needs to be reciprocal in order to be healthy.  Too many times, calls aren't returned, and I'm kept at arm's length.  With any other person, I'd have the ability to disengage from the situation with little emotional pain.  I have failed in the past to let go because you once provided so much purpose and meaning in my life.  In time, I will learn to dismiss the one truth I've lived by, which is that we were meant to be together.   I was tossed aside on September 10th, 2001, and it's now time to heal.  A lost decade without passion is a precious gift wasted.  This time however, I have to realize that it is my own responsibility to forgive, forget and move on.   I shouldn't sabotage future possibilities with others because of fears of repeating past pains caused by loving you.



Those who fail to learn from the past are doomed to repeat it.

12 Days - Day 1 - Sunday August 8th

The truth of the matter is that still, after all the barriers to honesty were removed, there still existed the basic fact that I wasn't too important to him.   His own independence, which truly is best for him, demonstrates that I am only to serve a purpose and will never enjoy an equality of devotion.

He knows no give and take.  There is only take, and his new bf told me enough to know that it's about control not love.  Cat and mouse forever.  I have to believe I deserve better.

Now, today, I begin to learn to forgive as I can be forgiven, so that I can heal.

12 days -  no texts, no emails, no calls, unless he initiates them.  Can I do it?

I must.