The last thing

Like people, once you trust technology too much that trust can stab you in the back.

OK, so I'm sitting here trying to enjoy an mp3 on my rather dated Pentium D system and i get all these dropouts.   I'm thinking it's low level drive read errors, and I've also noticed that from time to time i'll get freezes.   CPU utilization is low to medium, and I'm using Winamp, not some bloated iTunes client.  I'm not even running Vuze right now.   This isn't some flac file off my slow NAS box, this is locally stored mp3 on a defragged non-system drive.   Close everything, and load the mp3 in Adobe Audition - with full visualizations now I'm taking up 60% CPU watching a waveform fly across two adjacent HD monitors - crystal clear sound.  I go to gigabyte, download the latest HD Audio Azalea driver, cut down from 24 bits / 48000 to 16 bit / 48000 and try again - no real change.  Decide I'm going to listen to Pandora instead to avoid drive accesses - I've got 4 gigs of RAM, and it gets WORSE.   Notice 4 days of uptime, restart firefox to clear out a couple hundred megs of RAM - a little improvement.   I put up with it and curse Vista, for a while - then I load IE 9 beta, and crystal clear.  MS's BETA software.  Not even a full release - a beta - and not a single dropout!     Firefox was running while I was in Winamp. 

Truths from sidelines...

"Cameron, he doesn't do this to you, you do it to yourself.   How long are you going to keep waiting?"

Reflections on 2010:

The basic fact is that there has been some change and genuine humility.  However, the timing of new relationship was suspect considering the child support capias, bills, and the sale of the car.   However, he seems to be trying to make it work.  In retrospect I had hoped that there was a clearer and definitive pattern of independence, but instead the construct of a codependent relationship seemed to be simply an acquired distraction as part of the healing process.  

"He gives me that look ... to say your life is trivial. You are so trivial.  You know daily stuff, schedules and parties and details" 
"Well it only matters if you think it's true.  Well, do you tell me" 
"When I'm with him I feel, yes I am living, when I'm not with him, yes everything does seem sort of silly."
          - The Hours

The fundamental question - how much more real is this than the others?  Was this distraction relationship created to flee pain and loneliness in a genuine sense, in a narcissistic sense, or because it was calculated to be the right time and it's all for show?  On that note, were they all for show, if not, which bonds were genuine?

Unfortunately, I've found myself back in a position in which I'm of uncomfortably subordinate importance.



However, I can't expect anyone in this world to love or care about me enough to make me love myself more than I do.

"can't you just fix it for me, ill pay you well,
fuck ill pay you anything
if you can end this (hell)
hello, i love you will you tell me your name?
hello, i'm good for nothing - will you love me just the same?"
          - The Dresden Dolls, The Perfect Fit

 When will I learn?